


Anxiety

by bluecalicocat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Friendship, Gen, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Sickfic, Stray Kids are a family, Worry, don't practice when you're sick, everyone wants to help - Freeform, jisung almost faints
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 03:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21385123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecalicocat/pseuds/bluecalicocat
Summary: His brain is so foggy that it takes several beats before he realizes that he’s hunched on the floor, conscious, but not conscious enough to fully register everything. The music in the room fades into a distant hum in his ears, but there are voices talking now, too.Hands. There’s a hand on his shoulder, warm, grounding. He’s still on the floor.-It's been a while since Jisung's anxiety was bad enough to make him physically sick. Everyone is so busy trying to get Chan to sleep and Felix to eat, they don't notice that Jisung isn't doing either of those things.
Relationships: Han Jisung & Bang Chan, Han Jisung & Kim Seungmin, Han Jisung & Lee Minho, Han Jisung & Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han & Everyone, Han Jisung | Han & Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han & Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 8
Kudos: 505





	Anxiety

It’s been a long while since Jisung’s anxiety has been enough to make him physically sick, or been serious enough that he would have to explain himself to others. Actually, it hasn’t happened since before debut.

That’s why this morning catches him so off-guard. When he opens his eyes to be met with the darkness of his and Jeongin’s shared room, one of the first things he notices is how much energy it takes for him simply to keep his eyelids open. His head feels like it’s been filled with stones, too heavy for his body to carry, and so sharp that even moving his eyes hurt.

He’s felt the buzzing sensation build over the past week, something he’s easily been able to pinpoint as anxiety, but had not realized it was going to become an actual problem.

Jisung sits up with a sigh. His tongue seems glued to the top of his mouth and his throat might as well be filled with cotton. He doesn’t even want to attempt to talk right now.

After a quick glance at the charging phone on his bedside table, Jisung sees that it’s around ten in the morning. Jeongin is already out of the room, so the rapper has some solitude, which allows him to take his time waking up.

Jisung throws his legs over the side of the bed and stands up, stopping as soon as he’s done it to let his brain catch up with the movement. He doesn’t like how slowly he’s processing things right now.

When it seems like he’s not going to fall over as soon as he moves, Jisung continues moving toward the bathroom to shower. He can hear voices from some other part of the dorms, but he can’t tell who’s speaking and isn’t awake enough to go find out.

The bathroom is empty, unsurprisingly. Jisung takes longer than usual getting undressed before stepping in under the rushing water.

As he closes his eyes, he thinks that he definitely should have seen this coming. What he’d assumed to be restless energy might have had more with his anxiety to do, the way he couldn’t seem to keep his fingers from tapping or legs from bouncing. And if the physical signs weren’t enough, he definitely should have paid more attention to how he’s been feeling.

Jisung lets out a soft breath of air, reaching to turn off the shower. He’s sick, tired, and can’t remember if he even had anything to eat yesterday, but there’s no time to worry any of the others with this. They have an upcoming comeback and he needs to go to dance practice this afternoon. Maybe there’s something more he has to do today. Jisung honestly can’t recall. Thinking hurts, so he doesn’t try to, either.

After putting on some sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, he heads out from the bathroom to go see who’s up and talking.

As he turns the corner into the living room, he’s faced with a pile of people lying on top of each other on the couch. Or, maybe not on top of each other, but the way they’re entangled with each other is too complex for Jisung to figure out.

Felix sees him enter and waves, but both Hyunjin and Seungmin are too focused on their phones to notice. Jisung returns the gesture with a smile before turning toward the kitchen.

Two people are sitting at the table, one with a notebook in front of him and a pair of headphones over his ears, and the other with a bowl of cereal. Jeongin doesn’t look up as Jisung enters, not able to hear him over the music, but Changbin does. The dark rapper must see how Jisung scans the room, because he starts explaining before even saying good morning.

“Minho hyung’s in his room, and Channie hyung is still sleeping.”

Jisung just nods. He walks up to the fridge and opens it, but as he looks through the contents, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to eat. It’s been like this for at least a week now, and it’s not only because he’s sick.

Just the thought of eating fills him with anxiety and makes him nervous about if he’ll even be able to keep it down. There’s just so much that goes into eating. What if he accidentally drops something while preparing breakfast? What if someone stares while he’s eating? What if he eats too little, and then gets hungry in practice? Or what if he eats too much, and then he’s not hungry in time for lunch, or feels uncomfortable practicing because of it?

Yeah, no, he’s not eating today. He already feels uneasy, and eating is only going to make that worse.

Jisung closes the fridge and strolls back toward his bedroom, an action that goes completely unnoticed by everyone else in the dorm.

As he passes the living room, he hears Hyunjin asking if Felix has had breakfast yet, and Jisung smiles at that, glad that someone is making sure the younger boy is eating enough. He doesn’t even think about how little he’s been eating himself, not when it’s so much more important that the others are doing well. At least that’s how it is in his mind.

They don’t have to leave to practice for at least another hour, so Jisung grabs his notebook from a shelf in his bedroom, deciding that he can continue on some lyrics he’s been fiddling with. He hasn’t shown them to anyone yet, because even though they almost always write deep and meaningful lyrics, these are just a little too true for him at the moment. Jisung doesn’t want the other members to know how he’s feeling.

-

Five hours of sleep and no breakfast is not nearly enough to last Jisung an entire dance practice, especially not when he’s sick, but that thought doesn’t pass through his head until they’re already in the middle of practicing.

Dancing when he’s sick is a horrible experience. Dancing when he has anxiety is also a horrible experience. Combine those two, and congratulations, you’ve created the worst possible scenario.

As soon as the music stops, Jisung is tapping his fingers against his legs, or crossing his arms in front of himself, or shifting his weight between his feet. All these things are subconscious. The only thing he’s thinking about is how the other members are looking at him, even if it’s only for a split second, and whether he’s executing the moves well. As soon as his angles or timing or expressions are even the slightest bit off, his mind catches on to it and starts repeating the mistake over and over again, no matter how minor it is.

Jisung is pretty sure that no one even noticed that he lifted his arm maybe a few degrees too low, but to him, it’s the worst mistake he could have possibly made.

This is what he’s thinking about when Chan approaches him. The rapper doesn’t even notice until the leader is already in front of him and he looks around himself to see that the others are spread out around the room.

Right. Minho just called for a water break. Jisung remembers that.

“Hey, Sungie, are you okay?” Chan asks, a worried line between his eyebrows. Jisung hates that it’s there, hates that he’s the cause of it, so he just swallows and smiles.

“Yeah, hyung.” Except, the words only come out as some sort of croak, so he clears his throat and tries again. “I’m fine.”

The older is tired enough himself. Jisung doesn’t have to add to that by telling his leader about how difficult it’s been for him to fall asleep lately, or how often he wakes up every night. No, Chan has enough just dealing with his own bad sleeping habits.

The older isn’t convinced by Jisung’s answer, but his voice is clearly more concerning to Chan.

“Are you sick?” he asks, reaching for Jisung’s forehead to feel his temperature, but the younger dodges it.

“No, I’m not.” His voice is a little stronger, though it's still hoarse. “Or, at least I’m well enough to dance.”

The small acknowledgment that maybe he’s not perfectly healthy at the moment is nowhere near the confession Chan wants from him, but it seems to satisfy the vocalist, as he nods slowly at this. After a small smile at Jisung, he turns back to the rest of the group.

“Okay. Guys!” He claps his hands to get their attention. “Everyone get into position, we’re running through Miroh again.”

They get into position. Jisung glances around the room, feeling hesitant for some reason. He knows this choreo, could probably do it blind-folded (maybe not with people around in case he hits them or something, but his point stands). There’s no reason for him to worry about forgetting the moves. Even if he does, it’s fine, it would be around the hundredth time it’s happened only today, because that’s just how it goes when you’re practicing.

He has no reason to worry, but he still does.

The song starts, fading in with the oh so familiar siren ringing throughout the practice room.

For a while, Jisung believes he’ll be fine. The verse goes well, he barely has to think about the moves before doing them, just like how it usually is. Maybe he would have liked to be able to stomp and clap a bit louder since he doesn’t have the most energy right now, but it’s whatever. He does his part well enough.

The chorus hits, and Jisung feels his energy running lower. Not enough to stop him from doing the right moves at the (almost) right time, so the song goes on and he tries not to look at his fingers trembling whenever he's still for long enough.

It continues like this for a while, up until Hyunjin’s part comes on and Jisung anticipates that he’ll be in the center within a few seconds. His trembling fingers are now full on shaking and Jisung can’t seem to get a proper breath of air into his lungs.

Everyone’s getting up from hunching on the floor, Jisung a bit slower than the rest, and then he completely skips the following turns and arm movements. No one is focusing on him, so they don’t notice.

Hyunjin’s part ends, Jisung takes a step into the middle, and that’s when his legs decide that they’re not needed anymore.

His brain is so foggy that it takes several beats before he realizes he’s hunched on the floor, conscious, but not conscious enough to fully register everything. The music in the room fades into a distant hum in his ears, but the hum isn’t only made up of music. There are voices talking now, too.

His breathing is loud to his own ears, but the overwhelming mixture of sounds only lasts a couple seconds before the loud music is being turned off. Now he can hear someone calling his name in the distance. _Jisung. Sungie. Han Jisung._ That’s him, right?

Hands. There’s a hand on his shoulder, warm, grounding. He’s still on the floor.

“Jisung, can you hear me?”

The voice is panicked. Jisung hears it perfectly fine, but he’s too focused on breathing to respond. His face is still turned to the ground, but the others must know that he’s awake since he hasn’t completely fallen over.

The hand moves to his back and he takes another deep breath before raising his eyes to the people that are crowded around him.

“I… I’m okay”, he tries.

The response is weak, and Jisung is sure that nobody believes him, but it’s enough to get them to stop calling his name.

Chan’s worried face is in front of him, and just when the dazed boy manages to focus on it, another face comes into view. Minho. From his left side, which means that it’s most likely Minho’s hand on Jisung’s back.

“Move back everyone.” Jisung can’t connect the voice to a name, but he sees Chan’s mouth moving, so he assumes that it’s the leader speaking. “No, not you Changbin, take his other side. There, yeah..”  
“Sung, are you with us?”

It takes some effort, though Jisung manages to nod at the question after only a short moment. The worry on Chan’s face fades significantly with this.

“We wanna move you to the couch.” This is Minho’s voice, Jisung can tell. “Do you think you can stand? Me and Changbin will help you.”

Jisung doesn’t nod this time, but he tries to put one foot against the ground before doing the same with his other leg. He now feels that Changbin is holding onto his right side, while Minho has moved to get a better grip on his left, ready to help him stand up.

His legs are shaking a lot, probably too much, but with the help of his two hyungs, Jisung stands up and takes a few slow steps toward the couch. He’s still aware of Chan hovering somewhere around them, but not of much else.

While he’s busy with not stumbling on his way to the couch, he hears talking in the background.

“Hyung, his water bottle!”

“Felix, did you find it? Good, give it here.”

“I don’t think Jisung hyung had breakfast today.”

“What? But he skipped dinner yesterday, right?”

“Hyunjin, there’s a breakfast bar in my bag, can you get it?”

“On it hyung!”

Changbin lets go of him as they reach the couch, giving Minho space to help the younger sit down.

By now, Jisung is slightly more aware of what’s going on, even though it takes a lot more energy than usual for him to keep up with everything. All he really knows is that he doesn’t feel so horrible right now. Too little sleep, too little food, so he doesn’t even have the energy to feel bad anymore.

Chan crouches down on the floor in front of him, worried eyes searching Jisung’s face for a sign of… Something. Jisung doesn’t know how much he can tell just from looking, but apparently it’s a lot, since Chan then nods slowly.

“Sung, we’ll have to talk later.” He looks at Hyunjin, who’s just found the aforementioned breakfast bar and is coming over with it. “Drink first.”

Changbin appears again on Jisung’s right side, opening a water bottle before holding it out for Jisung. The rapper doesn’t let go entirely as Jisung drinks, not trusting that Jisung’s hands will be able to hold it, but he does let the younger control it himself.

Once he’s taken a few gulps of water, it hits him how scared his members have to be. After all, how would he react if someone just collapsed in the middle of a song? And to think, the reason he didn’t tell them he was feeling bad in the first place was because he didn’t want them to be worried.

Jisung can see Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin standing somewhere further back, all of them observing him with just as much care as the hyungs.

He gives the water bottle back to Changbin, though the older never really let go of it.

“I’m sorry”, Jisung says, looking over all of them.

“For what?” Minho asks softly. His hand is still on Jisung’s back, supporting him.

“Uuh… Mostly for scaring you, I guess.”

Chan puts a hand on his knee, making Jisung turn his head down to the boy on the floor in front of him. Jisung is instantly reminded of how Chan, along with Changbin, are the only people in this room that know about his anxiety and how much of a problem it used to cause him back in their trainee days. They’ve seen the worst of it, know what it’s like for Jisung and they have helped him with it before.

“Do you feel better?” he wonders, and the young rapper nods. “Good. We can talk at home, but you should eat something.”

As if on cue, Hyunjin steps forward and holds out a breakfast bar. Jisung stares at it for a few seconds without taking it, and in the end, it's Minho who has to take the snack from Hyunjin when it becomes clear that the youngest isn’t going to do so.

Chan removes his hand from Jisung’s knee and stands up, trying to take some attention off of Jisung while he’s eating. He might know what’s going on, Jisung thinks, even though anxiety hasn’t been this big of a problem to him for several years.

“Okay. Changbin and Minho, you can stay with Jisung. Everyone else, go out and wait in the car. We’ll all go back to the dorms.”

It hurts. And, yeah, his head throbs and his throat burns and his muscles all ache, but that’s not what Jisung means. No, the real pain is the one you can’t see, the one he should have told his members about so much earlier.

The thought of finally telling the others about his struggles with anxiety is loud, and he starts bouncing his leg as soon as the idea comes into his head, but he knows he shouldn’t be worried. They’ve shared these things with each other before. Chan and Changbin were both supportive when he told them. He can’t even imagine that anyone is going to react negatively, but at the same time, his anxiety makes him think things that could never happen.

They’ll hate him. They’ll want him out of Stray kids. They’ll laugh and ridicule him and…

Minho taps his shoulder, holding the piece of food out in front of the younger’s face.

Jisung turns toward the other boy.

The concerned but loving look in Minho’s eyes somehow makes the voices in his head a little quieter. Changbin’s hand is back on his shoulder in a silent show of support, and that also helps. It doesn’t put a stop to any of the emotions he’s feeling, doesn’t make the thoughts disappear, but they become less loud. That’s enough for now.

Felix holds his hand in the car all the way back to the dorm, and even though they aren’t talking, all these small things make him more comfortable with the idea of telling them his problem. His throat still hurts though, so he’s not looking forward to all the talking.

When they arrive, Jisung is well enough to walk on his own, but Jeongin still attaches himself to the older boy’s side, determined to be there in case he would need help.

They don’t talk a lot on the way in, but it’s not a tense silence. Jisung notices how everyone keeps glancing at him, but considering what has happened, he’s not too bothered by it. The least he can do is let them make sure he’s okay.

The group trails in through the door, and it becomes a bit of a mess when everyone’s trying to get inside at the same time, but they manage.

Jeongin has to detach himself from the older so that they both can take off their jackets, and Chan takes this opportunity to steal Jisung’s attention.

“Hey, Sung”, he speaks, causing the younger boy to look up at him. No one seems to be paying them any attention except for Jeongin who’s pouting about Chan stealing Jisung from him, but the leader still lowers his voice when he speaks next. “Has your anxiety been bad again?”

Jisung feels robotic as he nods toward the older after a seconds pause. Sure, Chan already knows about his issues, but he feels weird about admitting to it for some reason. Jisung can’t even imagine what it would be like if all of them knew, how he would feel about letting all of them see just how messed up his brain is. However, he still wants them to know, wants to be honest with them.

“You don’t have to tell the others unless you want to”, Chan continues, oblivious to Jisung’s internal struggle. “It’s okay to just say that you’re sick today, you don’t have to go into detail about how or why, though you still need to talk to someone about your anxiety…”

“I wanna tell them”, Jisung says. It takes a moment before Chan catches on to what he’s saying, a surprised look overtaking the older’s face as he processes this.

“You sure?”

He doesn’t sound like he’s doubting Jisung’s decision, but he does want to make sure that it’s not rushed or that the younger is just doing this because he feels like he has to after what happened today.

“Yeah.” Jisung is sure. Even if it’s completely nerve-wracking to share this part of himself, he knows for sure that he wants to. “They should know. I want them to.”

Chan nods.

“Good. I’ll tell everyone to go to the living room, then?”

Jisung gestures for him to go ahead, before walking over to the living room himself while Chan sends the rest of the members there.

Seungmin and Hyunjin are already on the couch when he enters, and they both look up as he steps into the room.

“Jisungie!” Hyunjin exclaims, holding his arms out. Jisung gives a small smile and walks up to them, letting Hyunjin pull him down in between the pair on the couch.

As the others walk into the room one at a time, Hyunjin keeps his hold on Jisung, and even though he can’t keep his fingers from nervously tapping against his legs, the skin contact calms him down a bit.

It doesn’t take too long before everyone is settled, turned toward Chan who’s sitting on the floor on the other side of the coffee table in the middle, waiting for their leader to start. He gives Jisung a look before speaking up.

“I know everyone is worried after what happened today. I am too, but Jisung has something to tell you, and I think it might explain some things.” He smiles at the young rapper just as Jisung leans forward, now free from Hyunjin’s grasp. “Take your time, Sung.”

Jisung takes a deep breath and tries not to think about how everyone is watching him.

He doesn’t look up as he speaks.

“I’m diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.” He starts picking at his nails as soon as he’s said it, still not looking at anyone, and it almost feels like he’s reading from a script because suddenly, none of this scares him. Not in a good way, either. Jisung just feels like an actor as he waits for the others to react to the words he’s just put out into the open.

When no one says anything, he continues. “It hasn’t been bad since before debut. I wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep when it got bad, and everything made me anxious, even small things like going to buy groceries or making a phone call. And, sometimes my anxiety was so bad that I made myself physically sick with, like, a fever or stuff like that…”

Jisung trails off, eyes still on the floor, suddenly feeling too hot under the metaphorical spotlight that’s been on him ever since he collapsed during practice.

It’s out now, and he really doesn’t know how to feel about it. Honestly, he’s about to regret ever bringing this up with them until Felix speaks.

“Jisungie. You know we’re always here for you, right?”

The unexpected question causes Jisung’s mind to backtrack. Yes, he knows that they care about him, is reminded of it at least a few times every single day. He knows they’ll always hear him out if he has something to tell them, knows they won’t judge him for it. That’s just what Stray kids do.

He can’t manage a reply, so Jisung just nods at Felix’s words.

“Sung, we could’ve helped”, Changbin says in a low voice. He’s still heard easily in the calm atmosphere of the room. “We would’ve helped you today, if we had known.”

“You shouldn’t have been practising in the first place”, Hyunjin speaks up. The rest of them are quick to agree with that.

“Why didn’t you tell us you weren’t feeling good this morning?” Seungmin asks.

Jisung had been expecting that question, but that doesn’t mean he actually wishes to answer it. Though, they want to know, so he should be honest with them.

He glances briefly at their leader where he's sitting on the floor, and then quickly at Felix on the other side of Seungmin on the couch before avoiding all of their faces as he answers.

“Chan hyung was already not sleeping well, and everyone was worried about Felix’s eating, I didn’t want to take the attention off them…”

The pained expressions on both the Australians’ faces almost make Jisung want to take back what he said, but it’s the truth, and now it’s out. He’s been so worried about his two members that he’s avoided telling anyone about his own deteriorating sleep schedule or lack of appetite, all because he didn’t want to risk Chan or Felix losing part of the support system that was keeping them going.

Maybe Jisung should have understood earlier that he might need a support system of his own.

“You can’t decide when you’re having a hard time.” Chan’s voice is steady despite the expression on his face. “And, sometimes, that means several of us are struggling at the same time, maybe even all of us. But our struggles should never stop you from speaking up about your own. We will always be there for each other. Helping you has never stopped me from helping myself as well, so you should never feel like only a certain number of members can get help at the same time. We all can.”

“He’s right, hyung.” Jeongin talks for the first time since the start of this. He looks up at Jisung from where he’s seated on the floor, eyes open and honest, and that almost makes the rapper tear up.

A hand settles on his leg, and Jisung turns his head to see Minho looking at him with a serious expression.

“You know, I worry about you. Not because you need more help than others, but because you never ask for it. And, I’m worried you won’t ask for it, not even when you’re in a condition like the one you’ve been in today.

“I just, I don’t want you to pass out in practice just because you avoided telling us about your struggles since someone else was also struggling. You’re allowed to ask for help when you’re having a hard time, no matter the situation.”

Yeah, maybe Jisung’s worries about telling his members have been entirely misplaced, but he doesn’t even care about how long it’s taken him to get to this point, because the relief of them finally knowing feels good enough for him not to care about that.

“Thank you.”

The gratitude he feels toward his members doesn’t fit into those two simple words, but all he can do is say them again and hope that it’ll be enough. Jisung can tell that they’re all going to worry about him now that they know about his anxiety, and that’s one of the reasons he hasn’t told them earlier, but he sees now that maybe they’ve always worried about him. Caring about someone isn’t a sudden thing.

It’s just like their love for each other. It’s been growing over time, small enough that you don’t notice until you look at where you were a few months ago and realize what a big difference it is.

Maybe telling his members isn’t such a giant leap. It’s just another thing on the list of what they know about him, and they already know quite a lot.

There’s a lot more after this. Conversations about how they can help when his anxiety gets bad, precautions for when they have busy schedules, and a lot more honesty than Jisung is used to, but he doesn’t hate it.

It’s difficult to talk about at first, but in the end, this only makes it better for all of them.

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
there will probably be more to this story to show what happens now that everyone knows, but it might take a while before i manage to write that. for now, this is it.  
thanks for reading! <3


End file.
